Embracing My Shadow Self

Taking a trip can help you gain a different perspective on life. Give you an opportunity for new awareness to come in. When was the last time you took a trip? Did you learn something new about yourself? What was it?

My shadow

This picture was taken a few days ago at the Museum of Modern Art in NYC. I love museums, especially this one, as art can disrupt our routine subconscious flow and give us some food for thought. This pic had me thinking more about my shadow self.

The shadow self represents the parts of us that we generally deem as “unacceptable” so we reject those parts of ourselves; yet they are inextricably tied to our thoughts, feelings and behaviors in our lives. Looking into our shadow self can be challenging and also quite rewarding because we start to see and start to accept all parts of ourselves, just not the good parts. Through the exploration of self, we can start to unpack the wholeness of self and begin practicing mindfulness and compassion toward self.

Thanks to the book I’m currently reading: "How to Be an Adult in Relationships” by David Richo, the two areas I’m currently working on are acceptance and allowing for myself. Codependents learn to abandon self in childhood and self abandonment can be automatic in adulthood. Seeing that we have this struggle, accepting it and allowing ourselves to explore our dreams and desires is our work on the road to recovery.

A Word or Two on Catastrophic Thinking

“Catastrophisizing is when someone assumes that the worst will happen. It involves believing that you’re in a worse situation than you really are or exaggerating the difficulties you face.” –Healthline

I learned about this one in my therapy. It’s when your negative thinking can spin out of control and out of proportion with the reality of the situation.

One example of this: Someone makes a mistake a work and they worry how terrible the error was and that they could be fired for it.

This kind of thinking is pretty darn destructive.

And, I fall into its trap. I’m heading out this week on a trip and I noticed that I was focusing on all the things that can go wrong with flights, trains, food, access to restrooms, etc. My mind was so concerned about the logistics that I’ve disconnected from positive feelings of this trip: visiting my best friend, reconnecting with my own sense of wonder through exploring the city, and visioning the future of Unstuck on You. There really are so many good things that I’ve overlooked by thinking this way. I’m reminded that I can choose what I focus on.

The good news is that I get out of the hole a little more quickly these days, by seeing how I got there. One way to reduce this way of thinking can be done through mindfulness and reframing those thoughts. Therapy is also a helpful place to work through these thoughts. Mostly, because a therapist can offer you a different perspective and help you “see” when this kind of thinking may show up for you. Don’t have a therapist, a friend will do.

Don’t let catastrophic thinking take the joy out of your experiences.

Thinking Outside the Box: How Opposite Thinking Can Help Recovering Codependents

As a recovering codependent, one of the things that seems to work for me is “opposite thinking”. This strategy comes in handy when I’m thinking worst-case scenario. Now don’t get me wrong, thinking about worst-case scenarios can be a really helpful skill to the right situation, however, constant worst-case thinking can take over your life and leave you feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and hopeless.

So what do I mean by opposite thinking? For example, I’ve decided to try something new, like “start a podcast”. I have some interviews lined up and now old patterns have me questioning everything. “What happens if the equipment doesn’t work? What happens if I don’t have any good questions to ask?” What if I stumble over my words?” These are real thoughts I’ve having and it can take over and cast a shadow on some really awesome benefits that this podcast brings. I don’t want that.

Time to reframe those thoughts! First, I honor them. Ok, let’s test the equipment and see if it works. Let’s brainstorm some questions. And yes, it’s likely I’ll stumble on some words, however that’s why I have an audio editor! So, I start with reassuring myself.

The real power of opposite thinking for me is when I’m questioning it all. Like those moments, when I’m wondering why do this podcast at all? (Which I am feeling less and less of these days, thankfully!) I have to remind myself that doing all this is me trusting myself and my purpose: to help other people. This podcast and blog have also been wonderful places to facilitate my own healing and creative expression.  However, some days it can be hard to trust this path because I never thought podcasting would even be a path I would be taking in my life. That’s life though, when you’re feeling called, will you be open to take a risk and find out?

Funny enough, when I look back on my life, podcasting isn’t too far of a stretch. Maybe I’ve been gearing up for this all along and however, I couldn’t see it until now?

Quick story: My high school had a radio station that aired for the small community I lived in. I spent most of my high school years in that studio playing CDs – we had a multi-disc changer which was so cool. The fun for me was creating skits with my friends. The process of creating with others was so enlivening to me. It filled my cup! We laughed so hard, we cried. I could spend hours in that recording room.

You can see as I start to unpack this, I’m reminded of my skills and what lights me up! The worst-case scenario thinking starts to melt away when I think about how much joy this whole process brings and that reminds me that I’m on the right path.

It’s really easy to apply opposite thinking in every day life too. Is there something you’re worried about – maybe even thinking about obsessively? How can you use opposite thinking to look at it with a different perspective.

Here’s an example:

I have had many occasions when there’s been a lag in communication with someone and I immediately think the worst. Like they are mad at me, they don’t care about me to call, they must be upset that I didn’t do (fill in the blank). If you have codependent patterns, it’s easy to create all sorts of stories for why I haven’t heard from that person and why I must be to blame. Not a fun place to be. Using the power of opposite thinking, I can reframe those thoughts into something better and probably even more realistic: “Maybe they are busy with work and family. We will talk soon.” Our lag in communication has nothing to do with me. I usually feel a lot better and it takes the worry and anxiety off of me. It takes practice and compassion for yourself and thoughts. Over time, it gets easier.

In conclusion, "opposite thinking" is a powerful tool for recovering codependents to manage their worst-case scenario thoughts and reframe them into a more positive and realistic perspective. It helps to remind oneself of the bigger picture, the purpose and the benefits of taking a risk in trying something new. By applying this strategy, one can release themselves from the burden of worry and anxiety and trust the path that they are on. Remember, when you're feeling called, will you be open to take a risk and find out?

Can you spot me? Radio + Mass Media yearbook photo - senior year!

The Power of Self-Reflection: How Poetry Helps Us Tap Into Our Inner Wisdom

Poetry is like a secret diary for your higher self to talk to your inner child. In 2019, I wrote this poem to myself during a tough time of self-doubt and worry, little did I know it would reveal the wisdom I already had within me.

The Soul Gauge

by LINDSAY ANDREWS • SEPTEMBER 25, 2019

What feels good?

What does my gut say?

Am I living in the feminine?

Or am I going in a masculine sway?

What lights me up?

What fills my internal cup?

What do I say yes to?

And what deserves a “no”?

I completely know myself

So I’m vigilant and challenge

The routine flow.

What is driving my choice?

And the action that I take?

Fear and control subside.

Steer me to treat others

With love as my primary guide.

What awareness can I look

Within myself to see?

How am I taking care

Of the little girl inside of me?

What words occupy my mind?

I am, “confident, loved, secure and protected.”

Self-loving words are the best kind.

Am I listening to those internal pings?

The ones that plant

A far-fetched idea

That is totally worth exploring?

How exciting!

Am I mindful of my breath?

The only antidote

That puts my anxious thoughts

To death.

How am I honoring my commitments for myself?

Putting me first

is an act of self respect

Above all else.

How am I growing in my spiritual practice?

How will I be present in the now?

Connecting with myself and my internal axis.

To discover the answers are within.

Unstuck and Unflustered: A Guide to Dealing with Authority Figures Without Losing Your Cool

Your supervisor drops by your desk and says, “Hey, I have a question for you. Can you stop by my desk?”

You: Go into instant freeze mode and start overthinking:

• “What could they possibly want?

• “It’s probably that document I put together…she hates it!”

• “They didn’t like what I said in the meeting and I’m going to get reprimanded.”

Does this sound like a familiar response when a person in a position of authority approaches you with any kind of question? Where you immediately go to the worse possible outcome obsessively thinking about what you did wrong and how you never doing anything right. How this person won’t ever respect or value you. And, then you start to ask why you’re even in that job as you clearly don’t know anything?

All of sudden you go down the rabbit hole of chronic worry for several hours. Then, you learn that person simply wanted to know how to find a document she was struggling to locate!

This is just a simple example to illustrate how powerful the mind can be – and also how much power we, as codependents often give to people in authority positions when we are grown, capable adults.

Where does this come from? And, why are we freaking out?

Chances are, you have had negative experiences with authority figures. Possibly a parent had extremely high and unrealistic expectations of you as a child. You may have felt that you needed to be perfect, not able to make any mistakes, in order to receive love and acceptance from them.

This can result in low self-esteem and self-doubt and create this need for validation and approval from others. Sometimes, as adults, we even place people in authority positions at work into the parental figure seat so we can repeat the patterns from childhood. It’s a dangerous place to be because this is learned behavior from childhood that is no longer serving us in adulthood. It kept us safe as kids, and now holds us back. 

Unfortunately this is not an easy thing to untangle from. I’ve been working on it for years. My therapist says, “It takes as long as you want it to take.” I say, it’s a process. And, sometimes I have to go back to the basics when I start to freak out:

• Slow breathing to calm the nervous system. I really like alternate nostril breathing. It really does the trick when you remember to do it! Makes you relax and feel grounded. Here’s a great article that explains it.

• Don’t assume the worst. Old thinking patterns are hard to break, however, you are in control. You can decide to rise above the thoughts and not overthink. Sharing my concerns and feelings with trusted and safe friends has been very helpful for me to gain another perspective, too.  

• Recite affirmations. Remember, you are inherently worthy just for being you. And in this case, this company hired you! They have believe and confidence that you can do your job. As codependents, it’s easy to assume that everyone knows better than us when that isn’t the truth. We have purpose and worth. I have several affirmations that I use when I’m feeling less than:

  • I am worthy

  • I am confident

  • I am safe, loved, secure and protected

  • The truth is my identity

• Practice some responses. We don’t know everything and it’s ok to say we don’t know. Brevity is key. If you don’t know the answer to a question, some potential responses could include:

  • "I'm sorry, I don't know the answer to that."

  • "I'm not sure, but I can attempt to find out for you.”

  • "I don't have that information, but perhaps someone else in our group does."

  • "I'm not certain, but I can take some time to research and get back to you."

  • "I don't have a clear answer, but I would be happy to speculate based on what I do know.”

• Be thankful for the awareness. We tend to beat ourselves up when we are in recovery. Especially if we’ve been on the journey for a while and we stumble on an old rock we should’ve seen coming. When awareness to an old wound comes up, see it as an opportunity to revisit and heal it.

In conclusion, it's common for people to feel anxious or fearful when confronted with authority figures, especially if they have had negative experiences with authority in the past. However, it's important to recognize that these feelings are often based on past experiences and not necessarily on the present situation. By using techniques such as deep breathing, refraining from making assumptions, using affirmations, and practicing responses, it's possible to overcome these negative thought patterns and react in a more balanced and confident way when faced with questions from authority figures. It's also important to remember that seeking support from trusted friends or therapy can be helpful in addressing these issues and working through them.

Get Unstuck with Us: Introducing the Unstuck on You Podcast

As a codependent, it’s easy to cheer on everyone else’s dreams. For me, it often would show up when I would see people around me starting their own businesses. I would root for them and offer support and ideas. I even felt like I was sitting in a place of wisdom because of my marketing expertise and pure interest in one day taking a leap, too. Though on the inside, I hated myself. These people were designing their dreams and I didn’t have the first clue for what my own dream entailed.

Other people’s hopes and dreams feel so hopeful, so moving, so daring. How could I ever imagine those sorts of things for myself?

The truth is: codependents don’t. We are often so wrapped up in others that we never take the time to dream or imagine a future – especially one where we are at the helm. For years, I never allowed myself to have a dream. My dreams were essentially other people’s dreams. I was content to be part of them.

When I got divorced in 2019, I started taking some mini leaps toward dream making. I signed up for Katie Dalebout’s “Let a Podcast Out” program (https://letitouttt.com/). It was a comprehensive online course helping others learn how to successfully launch a podcast! I was motivated. I bought a podcast mic, I hired a graphic designer for a kick-ass logo and I interviewed my first guest! I was doing it…for about three months.

Until I wasn’t.

It all came to a standstill. I had my first significant financial blip as a single mom and I used that as a reason to stop moving one of my first dreams forward. I told myself that I had taken the podcast far enough and that’s all I’m really meant to do with it. Honest truth? My financial woes served as a nice disguise for what was really going on. I was scared:

1. What will people think of my podcast?

2. Am I any good at interviewing? Am I good at having meaningful conversations with others and skilled at asking the right questions?

3. Will people think I’m getting personal? Is codependency too personal of a topic?

4. What will my family and friends think? Will they abandon me for doing this work? Will they think I don’t love them?

5. Do I even have something of value to offer? Does my voice even matter in a sea of successful and educated professionals talking about this very subject?

And all of a sudden, my dream-making adventure turned into an excuse-making vortex. It took me three years to make my way back to what I started. Why? Because I’m in recovery. And when you’re in recovery, you sometimes fall in a low self worth pit of despair that you have to crawl out of because you’re learning new things about patterns and behaviors that no longer serve you. Sometimes old patterns aren’t super obvious to us and it takes a bit to course correct.

When the podcast was in a two-year coma, I did remain committed to doing the work. I wrote poetry, reparented my inner child, journaled my awarenesses and wrote “I am worthy” affirmations every morning, met with my therapist every Tuesday night and did kundalini yoga several times a week.

Recovery is a process. My commitment to my healing practices eventually led me back to that little dream I conceived in 2019. I started to realize that I just gotta do it! That feeling of “what could’ve been” with the podcast still remained. I heard the whispers often, “Take a small step.” And I did just that in May 2022, when I published the podcast episode I had recorded three years prior. I just did that one thing. Then the next step: I knew I had to share it, yet I was scared of judgment, rejection and abandonment (see above list). Then I shared it. And those little steps, turned into me taking more little steps. I began setting up podcast interviews with people who I admire and respect. Those conversations were so fun and lit me up in a way that doesn’t happen often. The more I said “yes,” the more delight and alignment showed up.

So here I am today – a few published podcasts, a new blog and website and it’s starting to become clearer that regardless of the outcome, I am beginning to trust myself and that makes me smile. Here’s what I am learning in this process:

1. There will always be roadblocks and obstacles when trying something new and taking a risk. Keep forging ahead.

2. A negative voice will be present at all times. It’s the brain’s way of keeping us safe. There is no logic or fact that the brain is working from in these moments. Best to give those thoughts a “job” and just do it anyway.

3. Ask for help! Chances are you know someone who is doing you’re doing or they know someone. Or you can watch a YouTube video. Either way, we have so many resources at our disposal. Just ask for help. People actually feel amazing when they are helping you, too!

4. Not everyone in your family or friends circle is going to be amped up about what you’re doing. They might not read or listen to what you create. They may be busy with other stuff or just not be interested. It doesn’t mean that they don’t think what you’re doing is awesome!

5. Connect within to find your path. Get quiet. Meditate. Pay attention when you’re looking for external validation. It’s a thing for me and I often go looking for “pats on the back.” Be proud of the work you create and trust the inner guidance you receive.

6. Your calling is YOUR calling. Be brave and do it anyway. What small step can you take?

7. Use your voice even when you’d rather want to stay safe. It’s still hard for me to tell people what I’m doing because I’m worried they will judge or criticize me.

8. I’m going to make mistakes, however, when they happen, I choose to see them as learning opportunities and own that this is part of the journey.

It’s been a slow start. It’s MY start. I’m proud of me. Cheers to taking one small step. They add up. I hope you take one today.

The Art of Self-Assertion: How to Speak Up for Yourself, Even When It's Scary

Difficult conversations don’t always come easy for recovering codependents. Difficult conversations require you to show up for yourself and tell someone else how we feel. Not an easy endeavor when we are used to walking on eggshells and avoiding any sort of confrontation. Typically, the codependent’s goal is to stay quiet to ensure safety from being hurt or abandoned.

I recently experienced a situation where I felt disrespected by another person’s comment made in front of my peers. This is not the first time I’ve experienced this, however it was the first in my recovery where I was disrespected and knew that there wasn’t an option of sweeping my feelings under a rug. The comment that was made was hurtful and made me question my value and worth when I know I am capable and valuable. And, yet I immediately resorted to my codependent patterns of feeling low and wanting to avoid this person at all costs.

My recovery has taught me that those patterns are my inner child responses.  This time, my higher self stood up. I recognized that I have a right to communicate my feelings and that this person should be informed of how the comment made me feel. I also can express a boundary for how I want to be treated in the future. I was able to advocate for myself in a safe way. Here’s how I did it:

1. Feel the feelings. I allowed myself to feel my feelings. I was hurt, then angry by the comment. I also felt too scared to speak up. It took me almost 2 weeks to be ready for the difficult conversation. Take as long as you need to process the feelings, however not too long to miss the window of opportunity and get too far away from when the event occurred.

2. Write it down. I wrote down what happened documenting the factual details of the situation. I also wrote down how it made me feel and the impacts to me and those around me. Writing it down helped me to process the feelings and gain clarity for how to move forward.

3. Practice. I rehearsed what I wanted to say to this person with myself and with safe people who could give helpful feedback. It allowed me to focus my message and get comfortable with my voice saying the actual words.

4. Let go of expectations. I released any expectations of how the other person would show up so I would not be disappointed. I mentally prepared a few scenarios depending on where the other person may take the conversation so that I would be ready.

5. Speak up and deliver the message. I set up a time to address the person and communicated my thoughts and feelings in a calm manner. I kept my words brief, specific and clear.

In the end, my situation turned out quite well. I was dreading the worst (we often do), when in fact, I received an apology from the person and I felt like I was finally advocating for myself. Turns out, that staying safe is actually standing up for myself vs. staying quiet and suffering in silence.