Unstuck and Unflustered: A Guide to Dealing with Authority Figures Without Losing Your Cool

Your supervisor drops by your desk and says, “Hey, I have a question for you. Can you stop by my desk?”

You: Go into instant freeze mode and start overthinking:

• “What could they possibly want?

• “It’s probably that document I put together…she hates it!”

• “They didn’t like what I said in the meeting and I’m going to get reprimanded.”

Does this sound like a familiar response when a person in a position of authority approaches you with any kind of question? Where you immediately go to the worse possible outcome obsessively thinking about what you did wrong and how you never doing anything right. How this person won’t ever respect or value you. And, then you start to ask why you’re even in that job as you clearly don’t know anything?

All of sudden you go down the rabbit hole of chronic worry for several hours. Then, you learn that person simply wanted to know how to find a document she was struggling to locate!

This is just a simple example to illustrate how powerful the mind can be – and also how much power we, as codependents often give to people in authority positions when we are grown, capable adults.

Where does this come from? And, why are we freaking out?

Chances are, you have had negative experiences with authority figures. Possibly a parent had extremely high and unrealistic expectations of you as a child. You may have felt that you needed to be perfect, not able to make any mistakes, in order to receive love and acceptance from them.

This can result in low self-esteem and self-doubt and create this need for validation and approval from others. Sometimes, as adults, we even place people in authority positions at work into the parental figure seat so we can repeat the patterns from childhood. It’s a dangerous place to be because this is learned behavior from childhood that is no longer serving us in adulthood. It kept us safe as kids, and now holds us back. 

Unfortunately this is not an easy thing to untangle from. I’ve been working on it for years. My therapist says, “It takes as long as you want it to take.” I say, it’s a process. And, sometimes I have to go back to the basics when I start to freak out:

• Slow breathing to calm the nervous system. I really like alternate nostril breathing. It really does the trick when you remember to do it! Makes you relax and feel grounded. Here’s a great article that explains it.

• Don’t assume the worst. Old thinking patterns are hard to break, however, you are in control. You can decide to rise above the thoughts and not overthink. Sharing my concerns and feelings with trusted and safe friends has been very helpful for me to gain another perspective, too.  

• Recite affirmations. Remember, you are inherently worthy just for being you. And in this case, this company hired you! They have believe and confidence that you can do your job. As codependents, it’s easy to assume that everyone knows better than us when that isn’t the truth. We have purpose and worth. I have several affirmations that I use when I’m feeling less than:

  • I am worthy

  • I am confident

  • I am safe, loved, secure and protected

  • The truth is my identity

• Practice some responses. We don’t know everything and it’s ok to say we don’t know. Brevity is key. If you don’t know the answer to a question, some potential responses could include:

  • "I'm sorry, I don't know the answer to that."

  • "I'm not sure, but I can attempt to find out for you.”

  • "I don't have that information, but perhaps someone else in our group does."

  • "I'm not certain, but I can take some time to research and get back to you."

  • "I don't have a clear answer, but I would be happy to speculate based on what I do know.”

• Be thankful for the awareness. We tend to beat ourselves up when we are in recovery. Especially if we’ve been on the journey for a while and we stumble on an old rock we should’ve seen coming. When awareness to an old wound comes up, see it as an opportunity to revisit and heal it.

In conclusion, it's common for people to feel anxious or fearful when confronted with authority figures, especially if they have had negative experiences with authority in the past. However, it's important to recognize that these feelings are often based on past experiences and not necessarily on the present situation. By using techniques such as deep breathing, refraining from making assumptions, using affirmations, and practicing responses, it's possible to overcome these negative thought patterns and react in a more balanced and confident way when faced with questions from authority figures. It's also important to remember that seeking support from trusted friends or therapy can be helpful in addressing these issues and working through them.

The Art of Self-Assertion: How to Speak Up for Yourself, Even When It's Scary

Difficult conversations don’t always come easy for recovering codependents. Difficult conversations require you to show up for yourself and tell someone else how we feel. Not an easy endeavor when we are used to walking on eggshells and avoiding any sort of confrontation. Typically, the codependent’s goal is to stay quiet to ensure safety from being hurt or abandoned.

I recently experienced a situation where I felt disrespected by another person’s comment made in front of my peers. This is not the first time I’ve experienced this, however it was the first in my recovery where I was disrespected and knew that there wasn’t an option of sweeping my feelings under a rug. The comment that was made was hurtful and made me question my value and worth when I know I am capable and valuable. And, yet I immediately resorted to my codependent patterns of feeling low and wanting to avoid this person at all costs.

My recovery has taught me that those patterns are my inner child responses.  This time, my higher self stood up. I recognized that I have a right to communicate my feelings and that this person should be informed of how the comment made me feel. I also can express a boundary for how I want to be treated in the future. I was able to advocate for myself in a safe way. Here’s how I did it:

1. Feel the feelings. I allowed myself to feel my feelings. I was hurt, then angry by the comment. I also felt too scared to speak up. It took me almost 2 weeks to be ready for the difficult conversation. Take as long as you need to process the feelings, however not too long to miss the window of opportunity and get too far away from when the event occurred.

2. Write it down. I wrote down what happened documenting the factual details of the situation. I also wrote down how it made me feel and the impacts to me and those around me. Writing it down helped me to process the feelings and gain clarity for how to move forward.

3. Practice. I rehearsed what I wanted to say to this person with myself and with safe people who could give helpful feedback. It allowed me to focus my message and get comfortable with my voice saying the actual words.

4. Let go of expectations. I released any expectations of how the other person would show up so I would not be disappointed. I mentally prepared a few scenarios depending on where the other person may take the conversation so that I would be ready.

5. Speak up and deliver the message. I set up a time to address the person and communicated my thoughts and feelings in a calm manner. I kept my words brief, specific and clear.

In the end, my situation turned out quite well. I was dreading the worst (we often do), when in fact, I received an apology from the person and I felt like I was finally advocating for myself. Turns out, that staying safe is actually standing up for myself vs. staying quiet and suffering in silence.